soul all stuck to my face

Wes Carr is a musician who recently won Australian Idol but he's been sitting on bar stools for ten years and writes a lot of his own songs, and he has put an album on iTunes and I downloaded some of the songs, I'll get to the others later. I really like his original songs but there's this one song that I'd call my favourite, 'Soul All Stuck To My Face". I just like the notion. This is the chorus:

No I can’t get up,
No I couldn't get up.
And I’m lying here,
Too drunk to face the day.
And I’m stuck in your desperate doorway,
With my soul all stuck to my face.

So to me, it's about a person that you are completely open with, a person that you can talk to when you're down, when you're in despair. So for many people that's their husband or wife, boyfriend of girlfriend, or maybe it's just a really close friend.

Anyway, this is kind of leading to me. There's this guy I know. I don't know him that well though, I've only met him a few times. But it's strange; I would tell him almost anything. I have told him things that I've only told 1 or 2 other people, and they're close friends. Yet, I felt more comfortable telling him than them. Strange. I don't know if it's just because I feel like he's had the same kind of experience as me or what. Is it just because he's one of those people that you feel won't ever repeat what you say to anyone else? Maybe it's just I feel he'll understand. I don't know. I guess we both kind of have similar interests too which no doubt helps. And he seems the intelligent and thoughtful type. Maybe I feel like I could tell him almost anything because I don't him that well. I won't see him tomorrow. hmm...no I don't think it's that, but it might contribute at the moment.

I like the idea of having my soul all stuck to my face though. I mean, obviously not all the time, but sometimes, I'm sure it'd be a healthy thing, but I'm yet to experience the full extent of it. I think if I got to know this guy better, especially so it wasn't weird for me to tell him such personal things, then I'd possibly end up with my soul all stuck to my face when I talked to him. I just hope I at least get the chance to become good friends with him.

long time no blog.

I have drafted 5 blogs since the last one, but never completed any and they're not appropriate to post now, 'cause I don't feel how I did when I wrote any of them. So I'll start another blog that I'll probably not end.

I finally got my Jon Foreman vinyls and Switchfoot Holiday Pack today. YAY! It's been a long time coming. It's all awesome.

I am getting better at guitar. chyah! I can change a number of chords almost seamlessly haha. I am learning how to play "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. I love that song. It's pretty easy on guitar too. *woo* Except I can't play the chords in the bridge, but whatever, I'm ignoring thatt for now.

I just finished reading Catcher In The Rye. It was very good. But I feel like it had one of those endings that is kind of good but really not satisfying at all. It was such an abrupt end too. hmm. I still really enjoyed it though.

Tomorrow, I shall hopefully go on a little photography expedition. I have to for art, I REALLY need to get my major work idea sorted :S. I thought I was going to do it about being frustrated with myself but then I wasn't getting very far with figuring out how to represent it physically. So I shall toy with a few more ideas. I want to go into the city for this little trip, and hopefully I can find some little alleys and old buildings or something.

One more week of school, or 4 more days plus speech day. YAY! But I have to do so much in the holidays, get myself caught up and sorted with all my work, especially maths. eek.

I have lots of plans for the summer holidays. I need to finish lots of things or I just want to do lots of arty and musicy things. I'm excited about it but also scared I won't get much done. Hopefully i'll get somewhere though or the sense of failure will be huge and I don't know if I'll be able to crawl out of this hole I've been digging myself especially over the last year.

Well. That's all. There you go, I did finish it. I'm in a bit of a writing mood. I'm tempted to write another blog right now.

Returned from Melbourne/Henty

I am back from my travels.

I visited Jayne for 5 days and had a good time not doing much but just, you know. There was the eating of rocky road and extraordinary chocolate mousse (which I now have the recipe for). There were her relatives that did include a 3 year old boy who could not be beaten on cuteness. All the kids were so polite, it was funny at times. The 3 year old goes to sit on this chair and turns around to find the cat there. He pushes him off followed by a "thank you". Definitely a lol moment.

Then I went to Henty for mission. I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive. I didn't feel prepared and well, to be honest, I wasn't. I should have done so much more before I went but it actually worked out fine, I guess you've just got to trust. I had the kindy and pre-school kids for the "study" time, which was good fun but it did mean having to write most of the answers for them, not that I minded. I did all the drawings for the talks and managed to actually get them done, even if not to the standard I hoped. I didn't actually do any of the talks because quite frankly when we were deciding who was doing what I was all "heck no! I'm terrified of public speaking", in hindsight I don't think it would have been that bad, I would put my hand up to do it now, but maybe when it came to it I'd still be terrified.

Anyway, the mission went pretty well I think and about 30 kids came both weekdays and a few less on the Sunday. Aside from the actual mission we enjoyed some country life, outside dunny included, but just a normal one on the veranda, not a real dunny. We stayed with an older couple on a farm but spent most of our time out and about. Went in to Albury one afternoon and did almost nothing but eat ice-cream and wonder through the botanic gardens, possibly not worth a 45 minute travel each way, but meh. On the Saturday we went to the Culcairn show, which didn't really have much, but you know, country experience haha. Bonfire on Saturday night which was good fun. It's just nice hanging round with people and chatting.

And I'm going to stop rattling on now.

time to work.

I have finished year 11.

I guess as I'm getting exams back, I'm certainly coming to the realisation of how much harder I need to work next year; not only so I do well but to avoid the consequences of not doing as well as I know I can. Let me tell you, I'm good at being angry at myself. It's not always a bad thing, but if it's for too lengthy a period or for a particularly bad reason, and stuffing up year 12 would fall into the VERY angry at self category, it's not good for me.

It's the kind of thing where I don't like not reaching my potential. It makes me angry that I'm not using what I've been given; that I'm not breathing every breathe like a gift to be kept; that I'm not realising that every breath is not obligation; it is a gift. And every breathe that I've been given points to a grace that I cannot fully comprehend. And yes, I did just compile three Jon Foreman quotes there. They are three quotes that I hope I never forget.

I always make "going to work harder" resolutions, yet they never come into fruition. My goodness I hope it does this time. Surely the whole year 12 thing will work some magic on my laziness and motivation.

I'm tossing up whether or not to keep extension maths, I probably shouldn't, but there's a part of me that thinks if I really worked I would be good at it. Maybe I'm naïve. My maths teacher thinks it'd be better for me to concentrate on normal maths so I can bring that mark up so it'll work well for my UAI. Maybe she's right.

Anyway, I didn't end up having an all day studies of religion class today, but I do have a heck of a lot of reading to do over the holidays now. Environmental ethics. Religion in Australia since 1945. Martin Luther. Saeed Qutb. It's probably 300 pages of reading. Joy. it is at least interesting most of the time.

Tomorrow I am leaving at 5:30am to catch my plane to Jayne. Yes, that was intentional rhyme. Probably no blogs until I get back from Kids Mission at Henty next Sunday night.

Bis Dann! (until then)

back to school. for 3 days.

Exam period is officially over. I'm back to school tomorrow. for 3 days. lame. I feel like I'm on holidays.

Tomorrow is normal school.
Wednesday is Year 12 muck-up and the formal assemblies, covering periods 1-4. Then I'm a writer for a year 9 girl in her PD exam which will cover most of periods 5 and 6. Then Studies of Religion any left over time and after school 'til 4.
Thursday is a Studies of Religion incursion. ALL DAY. It's actually period 1-7 but I have a visual design assessment in the after school part of that (periods 7 and 8 if you like). So I'll get to cut off that last bit, I'll no doubt be so full of studies of that I will no longer be able to concentrate anyway.
Friday morning I jet off at 6:45am, 'cause that's when the cheapest flight was lol.

So, year 11 is almost over. how. weird. year 12 is almost here. even. weirder.

[/boring blog about my week]

new things and travels

I've got some new stuff. and I will get some more new stuff. the best is indeed yet to come.

Yesterday I finally got new runners (they have cranberry, not red, on them). So now I can go running without getting shin splints.
I also bought a new hair straightener, so now I can get my hair cut (which I am doing in an hour and a half) and I now don't have to worry too much about the position my hair drys in; that was just annoying and time consuming.
I will be very soon getting a guitar (*WOO*); this makes me very, very, very, very, very happy. Akeee! I've ben wanting to learn for about 5 years and no matter how much my parents said the 40-year old guitar we currently have was fine. It's not. It's an epic fail. Sounds terrible.

so *woo* for new things.

In other news, it's only...4 days (*meeeeeeeeep!*) until I fly down to Melbourne to visit Jayne! Akee! *woo* *timmy shimmes* (heck yes, meezle.)

and then from there I am flying to Wagga Wagga...to be picked up and driven to Henty to do Kids Mission with my youth group *woo* again! I've got to do the drawing for the talks though...that might take a while so I'd better get onto it. Oh! and I have an awesome outfit for the play. I'll get photos. It's toga-ish. I'm a jungle man. who grunts. to say extremely long things. it's really quite funny. but. you know. I am quite funny. so. it works. heh. I suck at acting.

blessed, not happy

So this is an old blog, like over 6 months. Don't know exactly when I wrote it. It was the kind of thing where one thing led to another and I ended up writing about different things than what I expected. I'm kind of re-writing it now though, partly 'cause I need something to post.

----------

So I had heard this quote a while ago (I should mention that it's a partial quote and I still agree with it in its full form):

"Being miserable requires effort - you have to ignore a lot of things."

At the time, I had thought it an excellent quote, a real positive way to approach life, and perhaps that was a good thing for me at the time, an intermediate step to a greater understanding. I guess it was one of the quotes that really made me try and see the beautiful, and no I wasn't depressed and unable to see beauty or anything, but I had limited appreciation I think, at least looking back anyway.

I thought about the quote in terms of opposites. I wondered, if being miserable requires effort in that you have to ignore a lot of things, what does happiness require? I wondered, does it work to say "Being happy requires effort - you have to ignore a lot of things"? And I think that is also true. I thought, maybe it's just that there are different kinds of happiness; the type that comes from ignoring everything that displeases you, and maybe there is a type that comes from a certain contentment but awareness. Or maybe happy just isn’t a very good word to use.

And then it clicked.

There is a song called Happy Is A Yuppie Word. I've read the song story and it comes from a Bob Dylan quote. He is asked by Rolling Stone magazine on the occasion of his 50th birthday if he is happy. He replies, "These are yuppie words; happiness and unhappiness. It's not happiness or unhappiness; it's blessed or unblessed." I've read it many times and thought yeah whatever. I mean I thought it was a nice sentiment and all, but just as I wrote this blog (or when I wrote the original), as I sat there trying to justify happiness without ignorance, this seems to be the solution. Blessed is a much better word.

I feel like 'blessed' encapsulates a larger understanding. I think it captures an awareness and broader view than happiness. To know that there are horrible things going on in the world; but to know that there is so, so much beauty, and love, and hope. A happiness without ignorance. Kind of like a contentment but at the same time a discontent that moves you to action. I think it's the kind of thing that only works with a knowledge of the existence of God. Well, that's how it makes sense to me anyway. But I'm not going to get into the existence of God in this post, it's quite long enough and I'm not done yet.

Going back to the original quote, I don't think it's a ridiculous notion at all. I appreciate the idea of it, but have to conclude that it's also necessary not to ignore the things that might make you miserable. Balance is best. "If you approach life and forget about the atrocities that we commit, then you're not being honest. And if you approach life and simply look at the terrible things and forget about the amazing aspects of what it means to be alive, then you're going to be suicidal. So, somewhere in the middle is honesty and embracing all of life."

In reality, I don't think it's physically (or mentally?) possible to be aware of everything at once. So I guess we live our entire lives in a state of ignorance. Just depends on what things it is that you are ignorant of at a particular moment. So when you're not ignorant of the things that require change, that require action, you'd better do something about it. Fill yourself with the hope that inspires change, because "every day you're alive, you change the world."

it starts here

Well. I haven't posted in a loong time. Okay, since the day I set this up. I don't know how much I will post or what it's going to be even but I'm going to start putting a bit more effort into this.

Right now I'm learning html coding and will hopefully learn quickly. I want to make an awesome layout for this page; but I'm a while off that.

So here's to the beginning of this blog. For real. Maybe.

There are a couple of blogs I wrote a long time ago that will probably appear soon, might edit them a bit first though. Might read over them and think "Gosh...what an idiot. Why were you thinking about that? It's obvious now."

sometimes it's full, sometimes it's empty

There seems to be such a debate about it. Is the glass half full or half empty?

Personally, ignoring the whole concept of pessimism and optimism, I think it's simple.

I say, the glass is half full if you're filling it up, and half empty if you're emptying it.

Disagree if you want, but I've never much liked that debate.

the first blog

In honour of my first *official* blog I've decided to post the lyrics of the song that the blog name comes from.

Adding To The Noise

What's it gonna take
To slow us down
To let the silence spin us around?
What's it gonna take
To drop this town?
We've been spinning at the speed of sound

Stepping out of those convenience stores
What could we want but more more more
From the third world
To the corporate core
We are the symphony of modern humanity

If we're adding to the noise
Turn of this song
If we're adding to the noise
Turn off your stereo, radio, video...

I don't know
What they're gonna think of next
Genetic engineers of the most high tech
A couple new ways
To fall into debt

I'm a nervous wreck but I’ll bet that that TV set
Tells us what we've wanted to hear
But none of these sound bites are coming in clear
From the third world to the corporate ear
We are the symphony of modern humanity

If we're adding to the noise
Turn of this song
If we're adding to the noise
Turn off your stereo, radio, video...
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Our modern world is full of noise, but sometimes some quiet does us good. As Jon would say, sometimes the blank CD is the best one to listen to.

This blog is going to be my random musings, niggling thoughts and honest questioning. Mostly for my own benefit, but if someone happens to read it, hopefully it might occasionally make you think.